Spirituality or something like that
Thaiger’s satirical cultural commentary volume 3: Spirituality, supplements, and other things that didn’t work in the West
Welcome to Thailand. Now you must know before you read this: there are many foreigners who come to the Land of Smiles who actually have jobs. Plenty even come to learn something. And there are lots of retirees settling in to enjoy the beaches with a beer, a breeze, and blood pressure medication. But we’re not talking about those people today. No!
We’re talking about the ones who see Thailand not as a country, but as the land of scams. Spoiler Alert it’s not, let’s guide you on how to avoid them. Brought to you by the Department of Never-Ending Detox, Daniel Holmes.
Let’s start with Chiang Mai, the global headquarters of It didn’t work in L.A., it failed in Berlin, got cancelled in Dubai, but maybe it can work here. It’s a city where yoga mats outnumber job offers, and where breathwork influencers can be found in rice fields, exhaling trauma they just Googled last week. Failed TEDx lecturers reinvent themselves as spiritual thought leaders. Life coaches coach life coaches here.
Then there’s Bangkok, where the grift gets a corporate rebrand. This is where crypto advisors in linen shirts pace in co-working spaces, shouting about liquidity while secretly living off a Western Union from mom. Motivational speakers with no clear motivation hand out business cards that just say Ask me how.
Phuket is where grifters go when they want to use Island life or Thai time as an excuse to be lazy. It’s the land of NFT beach launches, failed DJ collectives, and tan Germans trying to sell you turmeric tablets from the back of a moped.
Everyone has a startup, but no one has a product. There’s always a seminar on crypto, on confidence, on biohacking your true self, but it ends with someone asking for donations or for you to hang out in their hotel room.
And then, of course, there’s Pattaya. The endgame. The final boss level of Western reinvention. It’s where washed-up pickup artists, broke divorcees, and ex-magicians turn into red pill bros; they all gather like moths to a neon-lit flame.
Here, the teacher is a gym trainer/life coach/DJ/ spiritual healer/Social Media manager, but ironically enough, they have no social skills.
Red flags for these entrepreneurs:
- They have healing retreats that accept crypto.
- Their shirts are unbuttoned fully. (Let’s you see their belly button chakra)
- Their Instagram bios contain 3 flags, 2 hearts, and 1 sentence that doesn’t make sense (Helping you align your purpose with your vibes).
- They’ll tell you your trauma lives in your liver, as they rub your hips slowly to get it out.
- They’ll charge US$300 for a cacao ceremony and tell you it’s cheaper than therapy (until your liver gives up, and you have to go to a real doctor).
Who to look out for, specifically?
1. The crypto by day, lifestyle strategist by night
He’ll align your abundance mindset while checking the price of Doge coin.
I was selling NFTs eight months ago, but now I teach sovereignty.
Wears off-brand polos, has three restraining orders.
He charges US$500 for a Zoom call, during which he tells you to breathe deeply and buy another course.
2. The Ayahuasca Alchemist
Drank one vine in the jungle and now hears colours.
He thinks your past trauma can be fixed with sexual healing and sound bowls.
His retreat’s name: Awaken Your Inner Child, Then Feed Him Kombucha, After That Charge Him Rent! We advise you not to ‘connect’ with him.
3. The Fake DJ
Real name: Jason. DJ name: DJ Chef Boyarbeatz.
Plays Spotify at clubs and touches the knobs like they’re doing something.
Once opened for someone who opened for someone who opened for Diplo.
Still posts Back on Tour after getting booked at a hostel bar in Pai.
4. The ‘Photographer’
Owns a DSLR, shoots girls doing yoga on the beach.
No editing skills, no talent, no consent forms.
Specialises in: blurry sunsets, butt shots, and vaguely racist captions about exotic energy.
Will trade exposure for exposure.
5. The Party Promoter Who Just Found Out God (AKA: Drugs)
His flyer designs look like seizure warnings.
Every event promises pure vibes, ends with a blackout and a PayPal dispute.
He calls it a movement. Everyone else calls it that weird party with the drunk fire poi guy who fell into the pool.
REMEMBER: It’s not a scam. It’s a journey. Somewhere between a yoga retreat and a full-moon drum circle, you’ll meet the guy who swears he’s not running a scam, he’s helping you manifest your future.
“I used to be a crypto guy in Canada. Then I did ayahuasca in Peru. Now I’m a frequency coach living in Koh Phangan. DM me if your third eye needs alignment.” — Blaze Orion, Real Human Being
They swear they’re not grifters, they’re visionaries.
Visionaries who just happen to need your money to find their next vision that just so happens to be the next Rolling Loud concert.
So the next time a shirtless man with white dreadlocks offers you energy-enhanced kombucha brewed with affirmation water, just smile and say: “I’m good, bro, I am already aligned with reality.”
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