Dating in Thailand: Confused, colonised, and 46 years old
Thaiger’s satirical cultural commentary volume 4: Love is in the air, so is dengue... Let’s begin!
Before we start, let’s get this out of the way: Yes, there are plenty of happy, healthy couples who met in Thailand, built a life here, and aren’t walking red flags with passports. This column isn’t about you, so you can relax.
Now buckle up. We’re talking about the other ones. The ones who think love is a tourist attraction and commitment means not checking the dating apps in public.
You think you’re dating. You’re not. You’re just in a long layover with benefits
Stop me if you heard this one before.
You flew in on a budget airline, and you opened Bumble at the baggage carousel.
You matched with three people before the luggage came out.
It seems one of them turned out to be near you.
You travel into the city together.
You think, this is it. Love at first swipe. The airport rom-com you always deserved.
Then they ask you for some money, because they lost their bag.
You, of course, give them money, and you never see them again.
Welcome to dating in Thailand.
The apps
You’re on all of them, don’t lie.
- Tinder: Male view: Swiping through 20 year olds who all work as freelancers or recent 40 year old divorces. Female view: Swiping through miles of Andrew Tate wanna be’s or 50 year old divorces.
- ThaiFriendly: Is the age gap on this app legal? Just asking for a friend.
- OkCupid: You are 45+ years old.
- Hinge: For people who still believe in true love and own at least one ring light.
- Grindr: Functional, efficient, and probably the only app with honest intentions.
- Bumble: Where women message first, usually with “Hi 😁” and then silence forever. You sit there, staring at the screen, wondering what went wrong. Ironic, really. You said “Hi” on Tinder once, and a girl unmatched you with a full critique: “Wow. Just ‘Hi’? That’s so boring. Try harder.”
- Tantan: The Chinese Tinder knockoff. Half the users are bots, the other half are trying to tell you how “China is the number one country and is best!” You matched with a girl named “Lily.” She says she needs an “English Teacher.
- Plenty of Fish: There are not, but the people on here do smell like it. This app is where dating goes to retire.
- You downloaded Coffee Meets Bagel but deleted it when you realised no one in Thailand drinks bagels.
Rooftops, romance, and regret
You’re sipping a cocktail on a rooftop bar. She’s looking at the skyline. You’re looking at her. Another woman’s looking at you looking at her. A guy’s looking at that woman looking at you looking at her.
Then she turns to you. Looks down. Your heart skips.
You think: She’s into me.
She’s looking at your bank account on your phone.
She thinks: only 4,832 baht? Then smiles politely and checks her phone.
You just got financially friend-zoned.
You’re Mongolian, she’s Jamaican, and you’re both flying out tomorrow
You met at a hostel, bonded over the humidity, and decided love was real.
You kissed under a fan and ate scorpions together.
You cried in a Grab.
She said, “Add me on Instagram.”
You did.
She blocked you.
Sips wine, “Ahhh, Love.”
Let’s talk about gender, briefly, before you get confused again.
“Straight” Western men:
You’re not dating a lady.
You’re dating a ladyboy.
She told you three times, in capital letters, and four times in person, just to be safe.
You nodded. You smiled. You said, “I’m cool with that.”
You kissed. Twice.
Then you went to the bathroom, panicking. You splashed water on your face like a man in a detergent commercial.
You Googled “Am I still straight?”
Then you cleared your history.
Multiracial love in the Terminal 21 food court
You’re Filipino, He’s Swedish, and neither of you knows if you’re on a date. You split a mango sticky rice and talked about Moo Dang. Then he left to get a massage and never came back.
You’re Brazilian. He’s German. You met at a Muay Thai gym. You’ve now had sex six times and still haven’t exchanged names.
You’re Black. She’s Thai. You asked for her LINE. She asked to touch your hair.
Red Pill on a budget
He’s at the coworking café explaining “frame control” to a woman who hasn’t blinked in two minutes.
He orders a venti, extra hot, double ristretto, half-soy, nonfat, decaf, organic chocolate brownie, one vanilla pump, gingerbread frappuccino with foam whipped cream.
Because nothing says alpha male like ordering a dessert with a soliloquy.
He uses the word value in a sexual context.
He claims he only dates feminine women, but he can’t open a pickle jar.
Of course, he has a podcast called “The Sigma Sandbox.” It has four listeners: three of them are him on different devices, and the fourth one is his mom.
Every expat is hot for 90 days
You get here. You lose weight. You start smiling more. You stop wearing socks.
Women start looking at you.
They call you handsome.
You start wearing a fake Rolex and holding a protein shake.
Giving street lectures about the downfall of “Western” women.
You peak at day 91.
After that, you either get married or get chlamydia.
You moved in together
One week after meeting.
You said it was “fast but real.”
Now you share a studio apartment above a Family Mart.
She plays a Japanese RPG on her phone..
You watch TikToks at full volume.
You downloaded Duolingo to understand her LINE messages.
The biggest couple’s decision was adopting the stray alley cat.
It ruined the couch and the deposit.
You break up and get back together after a month of sleeping with other people.
Final thoughts
You came to Thailand for adventure.
You found someone who texts only at 2am and once tried to sell you crystals.
You call it dating. They call it networking.
Maybe it’s love. Maybe it’s jet lag.
Either way, your tourist visa expires tomorrow.
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