Race to be UK’s next vegetable – ineligible lettuce paves way for Boris return

The surprises just keep on coming in British politics. Yesterday, the people of the United Kingdom were shocked when Liz Truss crossed the Rubicon, though not the one you might think.

Around 1.35pm UK time, yesterday, the world’s worst-ever prime minister tottered up to the microphone outside No.10 Downing Street and offered her resignation. The announcement came just a few hours after Truss became eligible for what’s called the Public Duty Costs Allowance — essentially a pension. It’s a government reimbursement plan for “staff and salary costs incurred by former prime ministers arising from their special position in public life” after they leave office.

OK, it’s a bung, not really a pension at all.

At 47 years old, and after 45 days in office, it’s not unreasonable that Truss might live another 40 years, though shorter terms are available. By choosing to endure the humiliation of Wednesday’s PMQs and wait another 24 hours before setting the nation free, Truss scooped a potential £4.5 million, assuming she lives well into her 80s. It’s not a bad return for being the worst person to ever do any job anywhere in the world.

Perhaps Truss will do us all a favour, take her ill-gotten loot and disappear like any other bank robber?

If Rishi Sunak, the richest man in the House of Commons according to The NYT, makes it through his (almost certainly forthcoming) term as PM, he’ll get the same.

So will Rishi win?

It seems likely.

To run for leader this time, a candidate requires 100 nominations from fellow MPs. That’s a lot considering there are only 365 Tory MPs. The worst-case scenario is that there will be three candidates, with 65 MPs having a choice to make. That’s a far cry from the 80,000 toffs who made the last godawful decision.

There are precious few in the party who can muster the support of 100 colleagues. Sunak has been quite clear that he intends to run and seems almost certain to be chosen. Sunak has kept his council since the landed gentry chose the hilariously incompetent “fighter, not a quitter” Truss over Sunak’s carefully measured boredom. He’s just been sitting silently on the back benches since September 7, being right about everything.

Penny Mordaunt, whose previous claim to fame was amassing 103 votes in the last leadership election, is unlikely to have enough support to make a run herself and seems keener to ally herself with Slick Sunak. And even after a previous leadership contest, no one knows who she is, which can be a problem in elections.

Which leaves just one elephant in the room, a lone bull in a China shop, a solitary tomcat on a hot tin roof – The Right Honorable Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. Everyone knows who he is.

While it might seem absurd that the profoundly inept, compulsive liar, and serial philanderer could be back so soon, we are living at the end of days: Things are getting biblical. If Johnston can cobble together 100 nominations, it is unlikely that the dementia sufferers in rank and file Tory membership will remember how awful he was last time.

In the interests of unbiased reporting, it is important to mention that the Daily Star lettuce which defeated Truss in a longevity contest is not a conservative MP and is not eligible to run.