Connect with us

Thai Life

Phuket Humor: Death from the Ozone Layer

Legacy Phuket Gazette

Published

 on 

Phuket Humor: Death from the Ozone Layer | Thaiger

PHUKET: There’s a new theory about what caused the extinction of the dinosaurs. It wasn’t a meteorite that wiped them out.

It was their own farting.

“The animals, weighing from 80 to 100 tons, would eat…between 130 and 260 kilos of food every day,” according to one report. “They would fart non-stop.”

Their farts contained a high proportion of methane gas. During the dinosaurs’ 100 million years of existence, “the atmosphere of Earth became charged with methane, which finally damaged the ozone layer and brought about great changes in the vegetation.”

This caused a food shortage that wiped the dinosaurs out.

This theory has frightening implications for the future of our species—and, indeed, for all life on our planet.

All those millions of dinosaurs farting non-stop for 100 million years must have produced a hell of a lot of methane. The question is, where did it go? It can’t have vanished into thin air. Gas rises, so it must have risen.

And it’s still lurking up there. Our planet is surrounded by a layer of lethal dinosaur farts.

Now, presumably the region of saurian flatulence lies just beneath the ozone layer. We can call it the fartbelt. What would happen if the ozone layer began to deteriorate?

I’ll tell you what would happen. The fartbelt would be shaken loose from the underbelly of the ozone layer and would begin to descend. Eventually it would reach ground level. It would cover the entire surface of our planet and poison the air we breathe. All living creatures would die in horrible convulsions of protracted agony from inhaling the lethal gases.

While I have no personal experience of the smell of dinosaur farts, I suspect that they must smell at least as bad as the beer farts emitted by me and my mates as we frolic in our local go-go bar. And if fresh dinosaur farts smell bad, just think how bad they’ll smell after fermenting beneath the ozone layer for millions of years.

But we need not despair. The captains of industry, ever alert to save our planet (and their profits) in times of crisis, have come to our rescue.

We all know that cars and factories emit greenhouse gases. It now appears that they form a protective layer beneath the fartbelt that holds it up, keeps it in place, and functions as a fartshield. So long as we produce greenhouse gases, they will reinforce the fartshield and prevent the descent of the fartbelt.

It’s true that the continued production of greenhouse gases will pollute our planet and contribute to global warming. But which would you prefer—to put up with a little discomfort from pollution and global warming, or to be engulfed in a gaseous sea of dinosaur farts that will kill us all?

This message comes to you through the kind courtesy of the automobile and manufacturing industries, which pay me well and have always known that greenhouse gases are beneficent.

Ye Olde Curmudgeon can be praised for his hard-hitting scientific analysis c/o s.tsow@ymail.com, except when he’s drinking toasts to his paymasters, the captains of industry, in his favorite go-go bar.

— Ye Olde Curmudgeon

 

Get more from The Thaiger

📱 Download our app on Android or iOS
👋 Have your say on our Thailand forums
🔔 Subscribe to our daily email newsletter
📺 Subscribe / Join YouTube for daily shows
👍 Like/Follow us on Facebook
🐦 FOLLOW us on Twitter
📷 FOLLOW us on Instagram

image

Join the conversation and have your say on Thailand news published on The Thaiger.

Thaiger Talk is our new Thaiger Community where you can join the discussion on everything happening in Thailand right now.

Please note that articles are not posted to the forum instantly and can take up to 20 min before being visible. Click for more information and the Thaiger Talk Guidelines.

Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Archiving articles from the Phuket Gazette circa 1998 - 2017. View the Phuket Gazette online archive and Digital Gazette PDF Prints.

Follow Thaiger by email:

Coronavirus (Covid-19)1 hour ago

Controversial food delivery only rule faces criticism

Drugs3 hours ago

Expat arrested on drug charges allegedly claims to be a local “Robin Hood”

Thailand4 hours ago

Thai Airways selling 10 properties to raise capital

Sponsored10 hours ago

Tour Phuket’s Islands with 5 Star Marine

Welcome back to Thailand!

Thaiger is getting behind local businesses for the restart of tourism in Thailand - up to 50% discounts across all advertising packages!

Best of4 hours ago

The 5 Best Cafes in Koh Samui

Thailand5 hours ago

Thailand News Today | record Covid deaths, ban on ‘mass gatherings’ | August 4

Coronavirus (Covid-19)5 hours ago

Vaccine updates for expats; hospital extends hours to accelerate vaccinations

image
Join the conversation on the Thaiger Talk forums today!
Guides5 hours ago

8 things to do correctly in Thailand

Best of6 hours ago

Thailand’s 5 most absolutely luxurious hotels

Myanmar6 hours ago

Myanmar envoy updated to Brunei’s 2nd Foreign Affairs Minister

Thailand7 hours ago

Thailand’s national parks ban the use of some sunscreens containing particular chemicals

Coronavirus (Covid-19)7 hours ago

Wednesday Covid Update: 20,200 new cases, provincial totals

Guides7 hours ago

Visa Exemption Rule – 56 countries to enter Thailand without a visa

Coronavirus (Covid-19)8 hours ago

Third phase testing successful for Vietnam Covid-19 vaccine

Phuket9 hours ago

Phuket police arrest 2 men and seize more than 160,000 methamphetamine pills

Thailand10 hours ago

Good Morning Thailand | Hemp Ice cream, Thai English proficiency, Covid stats

Thailand5 months ago

Thailand News Today | Thai Airways in rehab, All go for Songkran | March 4

Tourism5 months ago

Phuket’s nightlife. Yes, bars and clubs are still open | VIDEO

Phuket5 months ago

Thailand News Today | Covid passport talks, Thai Airways heads to court | March 2

Tourism5 months ago

Phuket Thai food treats you need to try | VIDEO

Thailand5 months ago

Thailand News Today | Bars, pubs and restaurants ‘sort of’ back to normal | Feb 23

Tourism5 months ago

In search of Cat & Dog Cafés in Phuket Town | VIDEO

Thailand7 months ago

Thailand News Today | Gambling crackdown, Seafood market to reopen, Vlogger challenge | Jan 21

Thailand7 months ago

Thailand News Today | Covid testing for visas, Business impact, Vaccine approval | January 19

Thailand7 months ago

Thailand News Today | Weekend Bangkok bombs, Thailand fires, Covid update | January 18

Thailand7 months ago

Thailand News Today | Stray car on runway, Indonesian quake, 300 baht tourist fee | January 15

Thailand7 months ago

Thailand News Today | Governor off respirator, sex-trafficking arrest, condo prices falling | January 14

Thailand7 months ago

Thailand News Today | Chinese vaccine, Thailand ‘drug hub’, Covid update | January 13

Thailand7 months ago

Thailand News Today | Bangkok may ease restrictions, Phuket bar curfew, Vaccine roll out | January 12

Thailand7 months ago

Thailand News Today | Covid latest, Cockfights closed down, Bryde’s Whale beached | January 11

Thailand7 months ago

Thailand News Today | Southern floods, Face mask fines, Thai Air Asia woes | January 8

Trending