Cafe culture for people who refuse to make coffee at home
Thaiger’s satirical cultural commentary volume 5: A lot of the time, cafes here aren’t about caffeine. Sometimes they’re a set and every customer is an unpaid extra in an Instagram story
Many people, when they hear the word ‘cafe’ they think of Paris, New York, Vienna, maybe even Melbourne, but did you know that Thailand, especially Bangkok, is the cafe capital of Asia? No? Well, of course, you didn’t hear that, because I made it up. Shame on you for believing a random article on the internet.
Jokes aside, Thailand does have a rich cafe culture. There are also many reasons people go to cafes in Thailand, coffee not being one of them.
A lot of the time, cafes here aren’t about caffeine. They’re about algorithm performances with beverages. Each cafe is a set, and every customer is an unpaid extra in an Instagram story.
That old ยาย (yaai) has no idea she is TikTok famous, but if someone were to tell her, she probably wouldn’t understand what trending means anyway.
Let’s take a look at what the land of smiles has to offer you.
1. The roadside cafe next to the car exhaust
No chairs, just broken plastic stools.
No menu exists.
The barista is a man in flip-flops with toe knuckles who has never seen lotion. He’s been brewing since 4am and doesn’t believe in small talk or oat milk.
People who come here include:
- Taxi drivers
- Grandmothers
- Broke Expats/ Expats in a hurry – You can’t really tell the difference, because they both look homeless.
The coffee slaps. The spoon is sticky. They all just ignore the rat in the corner.
2. The industrial-chic minimalist cafe that used to be a dental clinic
All concrete walls and movie-style mood lighting.
You can’t find the entrance unless you already follow the owner on Instagram.
Coffee is served in a beaker, the pastries are plant-based, gluten-free and joyless. It doubles as a co-working space, which says a lot. Nothing says cafe like a silent competition for who can look the busiest while doing absolutely nothing.
People who come here:
- Freelancers who open Google Docs and walk away to do something else.
- Thai teens whispering about breakups
- A man editing drone footage of a waterfall while wearing noise-cancelling headphones and toe shoes.
This place is either silent like the grave or sounds like a rave. There is no in between.
3. The boutique jungle cafe where a latte costs the same as rent
Surrounded by plants, some look incredibly beautiful, others look like something out of the movie Jumanji. More swing chairs than tables here. The barista wears linen. There’s a handmade sign that says “Breathe.”
People here:
- Women named something like Sierra or Brittney,
- Men with yoga mats and man buns.
- One person writing a memoir about their love for Asia despite never leaving a big city.
Your coffee arrives on a slab of wood with a single flower floating in it. Don’t eat the flower unless you want to end up like Sierra.
4. The artisan mall cafe next to the Zara
It looks fancy, but it’s in a mall.
Everything smells like new leather and expensive perfume.
People here:
- Middle managers with MacBooks
- Foreigners loudly explaining blockchain to confused dates
- College students pretending to read The Alchemist
Everyone is networking. The cappuccino is fine. The Wi-Fi is terrible.
5. The gimmick cafe built for Instagram and not the human mouth
Themed décor. Neon quotes. Drinks that arrive smoking.
A waffle tower shaped like a bear, a photo booth that looks like a BTS car, and a butter bear are here for some reason.
Nobody ever finishes anything at these places, the coffee, the food or even conversations. They just get up and go.
On to the next photo op.
People here:
- Tourists in matching pastel outfits
- Influencers filming vertical content that includes over-explaining what an éclairs is.
- One man who thought it was a real cafe and now can’t find the exit. He lives there now, having his picture taken all the time by influencers.
You will leave this place with 87 photos. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t want them; you’re getting them.
6. The secret local cafe you pretend you discovered by yourself
It’s hidden in an alleyway in a soi you can’t pronounce.
There are four seats. A small one-page menu.
They serve only four drinks. They’re all good. You will never find it again.
People here:
- Two old men playing chess
- One girl with a sketchbook
- A tourist who wandered in by accident and is now having the best coffee of their life
You’ll tell your friends about it. They’ll never believe you. And honestly, they shouldn’t.
7. The high-rise cafe that everyone pretends to like
Perched on the 47th floor of a glass building that no one can afford to live in. There is a random giant modern painting hanging behind the espresso bar; you can’t really tell what it is. The view is amazing, the coffee is bad, and the vibe is cult-adjacent.
People here:
- Couples on third dates are trying to prove they’re emotionally available
- Expats explaining Thailand to Thai people
- One guy, who is hiding his anger at the fact that the coffee is so expensive and not good.
There’s a dress code.
Not official, just passive-aggressive unspoken judgment.
The coffee arrives in a half-glass, half-stone cup.
There is one random chair made entirely of rope.
Nobody sits in it, but everyone photographs it.
If God has an office in Bangkok, it’s probably two floors up.
Well, you made it this far without ordering a matcha
Cafe culture in Thailand is vast, weird, and occasionally edible.
The coffee? Genuinely good!
The food pairings? Chaotic at times but charming.
You’ll sip a lavender oat cold brew next to a pork floss croissant and call it brunch.
From Chiang Mai to Bangkok to Phuket, the options are endless and sometimes unexplainable.
It doesn’t matter why you came.
You’re here now.
You’re sipping something green with foam, staring at a skyline you don’t recognise, and for some reason… You feel incredible.
You don’t know if it’s caffeine, altitude, or identity dissociation.
It doesn’t matter.
BUT WAIT— you say.
This is Asia, where’s the tea?
Relax, we’ll talk about that in the future: Tea rooms: Steeped in history, served to people who talk too much.
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