Confessions of a soi dog
Thaiger’s satirical cultural commentary volume 1: A column of cynicism, critique, and occasional fleas
You’ve seen us. We’re on every soi, under every noodle cart. At every 7-Eleven door, like we’re bouncers. And no, we’re not lost, we live here. You’re the one who wandered in with your Google Translate with zero street sense.
We soi dogs are the last free beings in this country. No leash, no rent, no vet bills, no Instagram. Just raw urban instinct, spicy trash buffets, hooking up wherever we want and occasional spiritual awakenings from monks who sneak us boiled rice.
Compare us to those expat dogs, those miserable creatures over-moisturised hostages are trapped in condos, strapped into cooling vests like they’re about to enter a space shuttle, then paraded around like emotional hand luggage by western women named Megan who say “he’s literally my son” with a straight face.
They bark at us from behind their glass doors like they’re better. Bro, your owner pays for you to get neutered. Stay humble.
Soi cats
Local Thai cats don’t care about you, and that’s what makes them locals. You think you’re special because a soi cat blinked at you slowly? That’s not affection, just part of the game. They’re the mafia of the animal kingdom here. They get all the food, affection and safety, but none of the effort it takes to work.
They can live anywhere in Thailand, in temples, behind massage parlours, and on the roofs of buildings you’ll never afford to rent. They’re born knowing how to side-eye, and they die never having given a single damn about your laser pointer. The only problem a Thai cat has is another Thai cat.
Birds
Pigeons, they don’t migrate. They loiter. Their only purpose is to ruin rooftop dates and remind tourists that urban charm comes with feathers and disease. They’re just winged nihilists. They live short, chaotic lives fueled by cigarette butts and die in places that become your Airbnb balconies.
Meanwhile, the myna birds scream Thai obscenities from power lines like drunk aunties on karaoke night. Beautiful, furious, and fully prepared to fight their own reflection.
If you think birds are peaceful, try sleeping through a 5am bird fight on Sukhumvit. You’ll be begging for the sweet, gentle hum of jackhammers and GrabBike horns.
Geckos
They don’t do much, but somehow they’re in every room. Clicking. Every apartment. Every dream. One minute you’re brushing your teeth, the next you’re making meaningful eye contact with a pale little man stuck to your ceiling like a spectral witness.
They’re in the walls!
Bats
You don’t see them. But they see you.
They live in the old temples, mango trees, and abandoned bars that never recovered from Covid-19.
They’re the drunk uncles of Thai wildlife: they come out late, knock into stuff, and leave you confused saying “No way that’s a bat, must be a bird, it’s too big!” Whatever helps you sleep at night in your hostel bed.
Rats
People love to talk about New York rats bold, pizza-stealing, subway-hopping rodents with day jobs. Cute. Romantic, even. You film one dragging a slice through the Bronx and suddenly it’s on The Tonight Show.
But Thai rats? They don’t do PR. They don’t want to be on your TikTok. They want your leftover khao man gai and the full emotional breakdown of your marriage.
Bangkok rats are different. They’ve adapted; they don’t run, and they’re not afraid of you. You moved to Thailand to escape the rat race.
They are the rat race.
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Lol!!! Soi dog here-“My words exactly”
Living the life!
Do not forget about the Minah birds and crows! 🙂