Sht holidays has blessed us with their withering review of the Thai capital. Some may wonder where exactly they visited when they cobbled together this unpleasant collection of Bangkok sex-tourism clichés.
The Sht Holidays Facebook page only has 41,763 followers but does the same for tourism around the world as Rotten Tomatoes does for film-reviews. Clearly rather cynical ‘Aussie’ humour, the reviews seem overly concerned about the sexual exploits of the locals in the cities they review. Anyway, here goes their review of Bangkok…
“Draped in tangled thickets of power lines and coated in several layers of grime and graffiti, #Bangkok is a sprawling collection of filthy buildings, filthy canals, filthy roads choked with filthy vehicles, and filthy streets full of filthy tourists looking for filthy things to do.”
“The city exudes its signature stench of durian, exhaust fumes and open sewers, amplified by oppressive heat and humidity and frequent torrential downpours. It is not a good place to go outside, ever.”
Now we’re starting to wonder if the reviewers ever visited Bangkok.
“Bangkok is essentially a giant red light district with the facade of a city stuck on. Every side street is packed with ageing ‘bar girls’ and ‘masseuses’ yelling clichés at passers-by while their children play on the road, street food stalls selling salmonella, and saggy sex tourists cruising for their kids’ next imported step-mum.”
EVERY side street? But we’ll give them the “masseuses yelling clichés at passers-by”.
“The city’s most popular attractions are giant masturbation malls where you can see a ping-pong show that doesn’t involve paddles, marvel at the wonders of gender reassignment surgery or watch a recently trafficked teenager taking a shower in a glass cage.”
I really must get out more!
“Thailand is known as the ‘Land of Smiles’ because it specialises in happy endings – expect to be offered one at any dodgy massage parlour, respectable massage parlour, restaurant, convenience store or Buddhist temple.”
I have clearly been visiting the wrong temples too.
“One of the best known tourist areas is Khao San Road, where feral backpackers can buy a tacky T-shirt with a stupid slogan or a naked lady on it, before skulling a bucket of dodgy booze or a shot of snake blood under the pretence of cultural immersion.”
Khao San Road circa 2000?
“Another popular activity is being abducted by a tuk-tuk driver who proceeds to take you on a meandering tour of the city’s worst souvenir shops before charging you like a wounded bull. ‘Scamkok’ is notorious for the number of rorts that locals play on visitors who are probably too pissed-up and in search of a cut-rate shag to pay proper attention to the various ways they are being bilked.”
“Whether you’re a sex tourist or a sex tourist in disguise, Bangkok is a great place to bang cock – but f**king awful the rest of the time.”
The same Facebook page has poured its bile on other famous tourist magnets…
“Rome is also home to the Vatican City, the world’s largest collection of paedophilia enthusiasts. They say that all roads lead to Rome. Fortunately, that means all roads lead out again. Take one.”
“LasVegas is known by the sobriquet ‘Sin City’, an understatement on the level of describing Michael Jackson as ‘fond of children’. An eyesore visible from orbit, Vegas exists for no reason other than befuddling punters with a spectacular array of vices in order to bilk them out of as much money as possible before sending them back to their Midwestern shitholes broke, confused and filled with a bone-deep shame.”
Paris’ premier attraction is the Eiffel Tower, a big rusty pylon that France built to commemorate the 1889 World’s Fair, then, in typical French laissez-faire fashion, couldn’t be arsed taking down. It now serves as a convenient meeting point for Paris’ many pickpockets to prey on unsuspecting tourists. If you’re lucky, random people may kiss you in front of the Eiffel Tower, offering the chance to catch facial herpes while you are losing your wallet.”
Even “100% pure” New Zealand gets thrown under the bus…
“All New Zealanders suffer from a crippling lack of self-esteem, which will invariably result in you being asked by every single local if you like the country in an accent that sounds like a South Australian with brain damage. Although insecure, Kiwis are fiercely patriotic – just not quite enough to stop them all moving to Queensland.”
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