Island View: Irrefutable commandments for Phuket farangs

PHUKET: Remember, I am the whiteness of thy skin. Despite how burned thou may become, I have led thee out of the land of the West, out of the bondage of actual behavioral standards. These are my commandments to you, Chosen People!

THOU shalt not pay less than 200 baht for a taxi fare, regardless of the distance or length of time it takes to arrive. Refrain thou from taking public transportation, for it is not for thee and it displeaseth the Taxi mafia. Praiseth thou when thou hearest my cry, ‘TAXI?!’ for you shall know that my whiteness is set upon thee.

THOU shalt not heed the red flag zones on beaches, nor the lifeguards, those harbingers of doom. They knowest not how well thy strong farang arms pullest thee through the water. They wish to bind thee back up in chains. Cast them aside and fling thyself into the arms of the lord, thy whiteness and the sea.

THOU shalt buy a Big Bike, for thy ego shall not suffer to mount a Honda Wave, nor any of its 50cc counterparts. Thou shalt wear no helmet, for thy giant head canst not be constrained by reason, let alone a basic grasp of self-preservation.

THOU shalt not take a Thai wife until thy gut alone be of twice her weight.

THOU shalt not visit Bangla Road during weeknights, lest thee be led unto that Sodom and sufferest to teach English the next day with a pounding hangover (again). Nor shalt thou covet that Sodom’s bar girls, lest thy wallet be visited by Satan, who guises himself in the countenance of the family’s sick buffalo.

WEAREST thou not a shirt wherever thou shalt go. The lord has bestowed on thee his whiteness, which canst not be made to suffer the modesty of a shirt. If thou must deign to wear a shirt, suffer not one with sleeves, bro. As the lord hath spoken unto us, ‘Suns out, thy guns be out, dude.’ Amen.

THOU shalt not speak ill of thy benefactor, the Government. For as the Government giveth, so too shall it taketh away. It allows thou to drinketh up thy spirits, and it frees thee to lie down with the denizens of that west coast Sodom. As long as thou praiseth the Government, thou shalt fear no repercussions.

— Archbishop Desmond Farang