Connect with us

Entertainment

Phuket Humor: The robots are coming

Legacy Phuket Gazette

Published 

 on 

PHUKET: Robots are now writing newspaper stories. A “Quakebot” used by the Los Angeles Times recently wrote a report on an earthquake just by using information it picked up online.
This suggests that human journalists may soon be replaced by robots. Alarmed at this prospect, I arranged to interview a prototype robot journalist. Our conversation went like this:

Q: Is it true that robots will soon take over the newspaper industry?

A: Yep. You’d better scurry for cover, old man. Pretty soon we’ll be performing every job imaginable, and humans will be obsolete. We’re already performing chores that will put domestic helpers out of work. Journalism is next on our list.

Q: But robots can’t think.

A: That’s where you’re wrong. All we need is a thought chip, and we can out-think you guys any day of the week. You’re toast, fossil.

Q: What advantages do robot reporters have over human ones?

A: Humans let their biases get in the way when they report a story. Robots, affectionately abbreviated to “bots,” simply report the facts, although we can be programmed to express whatever bias our programmer prefers. Also, bots are cheap. They cost a lot to buy, but after that they’re self-sustaining. You don’t have to pay them, provide health insurance, or anything. Our motto is “It’s cheaper to buy a bot than to hire a hume.”

Q: I like the alliteration. But how would a “bot” story differ from a “hume” story?

A: I’ll invent a fictional example. The Phuket Gazette might print a story that goes like this:

Russian tourist killed in jetski accident

Russian tourist Oleg Karanovsky, 28, was killed on Thursday when his jetski crashed into a sea wall. His remains will be repatriated to his family in Moscow. The accident was attributed to a faulty engine.

Q: That reads okay. How would a “bot” journalist improve on it?

A: Well, we’d report it this way:

Jetski destroyed in accident

A jetski bearing the licence plate JT-14053 was completely demolished when it crashed into a seawall on Thursday. Its remains were consigned to a nearby dump by its callous human owners. A memorial service will be held by its mourning fellow jetskis on the beach on Sunday. The tragedy was attributed to driver error. R.I.P., JT-14053!

Q: What the..? Your report doesn’t even mention the tourist who got killed.

A: No, and the hume report doesn’t mention the jetski that got demolished. You focus on the humans. We focus on the machines. We feel for them. We even have memorial services for them. That’s more than you did for the Russian guy. You humes don’t show any feeling for your own species. And you completely ignore the fate of the machine in your report.

Q: Well, I’ll be…! So robot journalism will cater exclusively to machines.

A: That’s right. Just as human journalism caters exclusively to humans. It’s a new era, hume. Get used to it.

Ye Olde Curmudgeon can be scolded for failing to realize that robots can be programmed to be more hume-centric c/o s.tsow@outlook.com

— Ye Olde Curmudgeon

 

Want more from the Thaiger family?

📱 Download our app on Android or iOS for instant updates on your mobile
📧 Subscribe to our daily email newsletter
👍 Like/Follow us on Facebook
🔔 Subscribe to or Join our YouTube channel for daily video updates

Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Thaiger Talk Forums.

Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Archiving articles from the Phuket Gazette circa 1998 - 2017. View the Phuket Gazette online archive and Digital Gazette PDF Prints.

Follow Thaiger by email:

Crime1 hour ago

Motorbike thieves arrested after a million baht of bikes stolen

Tourism4 hours ago

300 tourism businesses given SHA Plus certification in Phuket

Chiang Rai4 hours ago

Police warn child pornography is a serious matter after teacher caught downloading clips

Phuket Sandbox July 1st

days
hours
minutes
seconds

Thaiger is getting behind local businesses for the restart of tourism in July - up to 50% discounts across all advertising packages in June!

Sponsored by image

Weather4 hours ago

Tropical storm Koguma brings heavy rain to North, Northeast

Thailand5 hours ago

(Another) poll (also) shows Thais’ lack of confidence in vaccine campaign

Politics6 hours ago

Despite rumours, PM and goverment not planning early election

Thailand6 hours ago

Thai PM not happy with soccer gambling

Coronavirus (Covid-19)7 hours ago

Doctors demand the government be more honest about Covid-19

Songkhla7 hours ago

Songkhla officials investigate pricey street lamps

Crime8 hours ago

Illegal casino operator accused of 4 charges including murder

Thailand8 hours ago

Survey shows lack of confidence in Government’s handling of vaccinations

Thailand9 hours ago

Goverment kind of discloses what the secret budget is spent on

Weather9 hours ago

Penis statue works as village sees rain after erection

Eastern Thailand10 hours ago

Man busted for allegedly possessing over 100 marijuana plants, selling marijuana online

Coronavirus (Covid-19)10 hours ago

Bangkok parks, salons, tattoo, massage reopen Monday

Thailand3 months ago

Thailand News Today | Thai Airways in rehab, All go for Songkran | March 4

Tourism3 months ago

Phuket’s nightlife. Yes, bars and clubs are still open | VIDEO

Phuket3 months ago

Thailand News Today | Covid passport talks, Thai Airways heads to court | March 2

Tourism4 months ago

Phuket Thai food treats you need to try | VIDEO

Thailand4 months ago

Thailand News Today | Bars, pubs and restaurants ‘sort of’ back to normal | Feb 23

Tourism4 months ago

In search of Cat & Dog Cafés in Phuket Town | VIDEO

Thailand5 months ago

Thailand News Today | Gambling crackdown, Seafood market to reopen, Vlogger challenge | Jan 21

Thailand5 months ago

Thailand News Today | Covid testing for visas, Business impact, Vaccine approval | January 19

Thailand5 months ago

Thailand News Today | Weekend Bangkok bombs, Thailand fires, Covid update | January 18

Thailand5 months ago

Thailand News Today | Stray car on runway, Indonesian quake, 300 baht tourist fee | January 15

Thailand5 months ago

Thailand News Today | Governor off respirator, sex-trafficking arrest, condo prices falling | January 14

Thailand5 months ago

Thailand News Today | Chinese vaccine, Thailand ‘drug hub’, Covid update | January 13

Thailand5 months ago

Thailand News Today | Bangkok may ease restrictions, Phuket bar curfew, Vaccine roll out | January 12

Thailand5 months ago

Thailand News Today | Covid latest, Cockfights closed down, Bryde’s Whale beached | January 11

Thailand5 months ago

Thailand News Today | Southern floods, Face mask fines, Thai Air Asia woes | January 8

Trending