His wife’s a real bitch

Disappointment famously prompts extreme measures in victims. Disappointed of proper stage effects for his fiddling, Nero burned Rome; of artistic ambitions, Van Gogh cut off his ear; and of the American colonies, George III went mad. In Lampang Province, a 39-year-old man disappointed with women fell in love with a real bitch, – a two-year-old poodle named Olé – and married her. The story was told by the bride’s master, identified only as “Uncle Gik”, who gave her away for a bride price of a mere 999 baht. “They love each other a lot,” he said. Uncle Gik said that his dog’s swain, a factory worker whom he called “Pupé”, was staying in his house. “Pupé asked to come live in my house many years ago and has stayed with me since,” he explained. “In return, he helps around the house. He’s an energetic sort, always looking to be helpful.” In Gik’s opinion, women have too often fooled Pupé: “He’s had many girlfriends, who get close to him – to the point of marriage – then make off with his money. He’s lost a lot that way. So he says he’ll have nothing more to do with women.” The plight of Pupé duped by human females apparently excited machinations of a different sort behind the ringlet-framed snout of little Olé. “Pupé came to me recently,” said Uncle Gik, “and confessed that he had been seduced by Olé. She snuggled beside him while he slept, using her tongue to lick his face and body, which aroused him till finally he consummated his passion.” Pupé said he was surprised at the depth of his own emotions: “I feel strange. I love her, and we’re so close – as if in a former existence we were lovers.” Although Thais, especially rural Thais, traditionally regard dogs as unclean – as sinners from a past life forced to go on four legs in this life – Pupé feels no animadversion toward Olé’s present canine status. “At the same time, little Olé undeniably loves Pupé,” said Uncle Gik. “He came, apologizing formally, and tendered 999 baht as a bride price, begging to marry my dog,” Gik said. “I accepted it, because I could see he was being honest. He agreed to take care of her, to feed and shelter her. We arranged a marriage party, then went to make merit, bringing along food for hungry children.” Since then, the old man explained, his new, er, son-in-law shows every sign of being smitten by the blushing bride: “He buys expensive toothpaste to brush her teeth and food supplements to make her fur glow. They spend their time fondly hugging and kissing.” Uncle Gik said news of Olé and Pupé’s wedding elicited considerable consternation among neighbors in the village: “They say it’s unnatural,” he said, “and impossible for man and dog to live together as husband and wife.” Regarding the latter issue, Chiang Mai’s chief veterinary officer in the Provincial Livestock office, Dr Somporn Pornwisetkul, agreed with villagers. “Such a thing seems impossible,” he said, “because men and dogs are wholly different. As far as their sexual relations go, I don’t think there will be any offspring: the two anatomies differ greatly.” He did not, however, rule out the possibility. Asked whether he felt Olé suffered during the sexual congress, Dr Somporn begged not to offer an opinion. Assistant Professor Dr Pairat Preuksachat-Kunakorn, described as an expert in psychiatry, said that “many factors may figure.” “Psychological testing must be performed first, but I would say on the face of it that [this] is somewhat unusual,” he averred. He noted that “such behavior can be either long-term or temporary,” and suggested that “a responsible elder talk [with Pupé] so he understands the consequences, especially the social consequences” of marrying a dog.