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Sit and Smile


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In the first two years of living in the North-East I have kept a diary and shared it on my personal website.

If you guys are interested I will pick some interesting ones and post them here.

By the way; English is not my mother tongue...

 

Here we go 'SIT AND SMILE'

 

Going to the toilet in Thailand is something you have to get used to.
Here in the North-East the majority uses squat toilets. Squatter toilets have varying degrees of cleanliness and are basically a hole surrounded by porcelain. 

Fortunately we have European style toilets with ‘Bum-guns’ (water sprayer on a flexible hose) so that is not the problem. 

It is the ‘procedure’...

 

My guts are having a hard time getting adjusted to the climate, the liters of liquid intake and the occasional bacteria that enters my system.

You are either running empty or having problems getting rid of ‘it’; a normal daily routine is, at the moment, far from true.

 

But that routine needs preparation.

 

As soon as you enter the toilet you need to check a number of things first; is the gun working (is there water pressure?), is there toilet paper?

If there is no water pressure then it is possible that someone who used the toilet before you emptied the reservoir so you will not be able to flush the toilet afterwards. In that case you need to get out to find a bucket with (rain)water in order to flush the toilet once you are done. You don’t want your ‘deposit’ to freely float around till the pressure comes back and you have all forgotten about your previous visit. 

You will be called by ‘she-who-knows-all’ screaming ‘DARLING, WHAT DID YOU DO! and that is to be avoided at all times.

 

So you have checked the water pressure and if it was not there, you have taken precautions. 

The next check is the toilet paper. 

Again there are a number of options; there is toilet paper in the holder, there is a new roll waiting to be used or there is no toilet paper at all. When there is no toilet paper then you have to find some. 

That is a quest in itself; it can be everywhere.

She-who-knows-all has a habit of storing things in different places, today it can be in a closet, tomorrow she has hidden it in the storage place under the stairs. And you are the one who is getting old and can’t remember things!

OK, suppose you manage to find one without help (forget it...) then you have try to get get the first pages off the roll. 

Well, a new roll of Thai toilet paper is carefully protected by a company who sells toilet paper under the brand name ‘Sit & Smile’; the first half centimeter of the roll is glued together. Trying to peel that open with one wet hand (because all the bum-guns leak) without getting little pieces of toilet paper all over your one wet hand without swearing; 

no, trust me, you won’t...

 

Finally everything seems into place for the big event and you can start to prepare sitting down. Not so fast... you just went out for a bucket of rainwater and battled with the roll of toilet paper and you are all sweaty; your trousers stick to your legs and it takes a while before they surrender and you can finally sit down and get down to business.

 

Whoa, that was a relieve and now it’s time to get the gun in place (if there is water pressure) and spray what needs to be sprayed. Touching the bum-gun means getting a wet hand so after spraying you reach for the toilet-paper with your dry hand. How are you going to get some pages off you think, using your wet hand will definitely not work so you use the other hand and give the roll a good pull; toilet paper all over the floor... 

Using both hands you take the amount of paper that is supposed to do the job and half of the paper sticks to your wet hand. 

The other half is used to try to dry the wet bottom parts and your are done (you think).

You scrape the toilet paper of your hand and throw it together with the used toilet paper in the bin (and missed). 

Toilet paper is not supposed to be flushed because it will clog up the drainage and ‘she-who-knows-all’ will definitely point at you when that happens. That is to be avoided too if you don’t want to sleep on the couch that night...

 

But, this seems all manageable if you have time but this is Thailand where, when nature calls, you have to answer very, very quickly. This is also a country where a simple fart can bring you big, big problems.

Just envision yourself sitting in a relaxed chair with your cup of coffee and you feel a slight rumble in your guts, well that is the signal to get to the toilet as fast a possible.

No time to spare, don’t wait for the second ‘rumble’ or think ‘this will go away’, it won’t  and before you know it you are in big shit!

 

Then, keep your cool and follow the simple advice above; it will make you swear like you never did before!

 

In the evening while taking a shower you feel something odd down there and to your surprise you find bits and pieces of ‘SIT & SMILE’ on your sponge.

 

This is Thailand, just Shit & Smile.

 

Talk to you later,

TheMidnightRambler

 

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39 minutes ago, MidnightRambler said:

In the first two years of living in the North-East I have kept a diary and shared it on my personal website.

If you guys are interested I will pick some interesting ones and post them here.

By the way; English is not my mother tongue...

Here we go 'SIT AND SMILE'

Going to the toilet in Thailand is something you have to get used to.
Here in the North-East the majority uses squat toilets. Squatter toilets have varying degrees of cleanliness and are basically a hole surrounded by porcelain. 

Fortunately we have European style toilets with ‘Bum-guns’ (water sprayer on a flexible hose) so that is not the problem. 

It is the ‘procedure’...

My guts are having a hard time getting adjusted to the climate, the liters of liquid intake and the occasional bacteria that enters my system.

You are either running empty or having problems getting rid of ‘it’; a normal daily routine is, at the moment, far from true.

But that routine needs preparation.

As soon as you enter the toilet you need to check a number of things first; is the gun working (is there water pressure?), is there toilet paper?

If there is no water pressure then it is possible that someone who used the toilet before you emptied the reservoir so you will not be able to flush the toilet afterwards. In that case you need to get out to find a bucket with (rain)water in order to flush the toilet once you are done. You don’t want your ‘deposit’ to freely float around till the pressure comes back and you have all forgotten about your previous visit. 

You will be called by ‘she-who-knows-all’ screaming ‘DARLING, WHAT DID YOU DO! and that is to be avoided at all times.

So you have checked the water pressure and if it was not there, you have taken precautions. 

The next check is the toilet paper. 

Again there are a number of options; there is toilet paper in the holder, there is a new roll waiting to be used or there is no toilet paper at all. When there is no toilet paper then you have to find some. 

That is a quest in itself; it can be everywhere.

She-who-knows-all has a habit of storing things in different places, today it can be in a closet, tomorrow she has hidden it in the storage place under the stairs. And you are the one who is getting old and can’t remember things!

OK, suppose you manage to find one without help (forget it...) then you have try to get get the first pages off the roll. 

Well, a new roll of Thai toilet paper is carefully protected by a company who sells toilet paper under the brand name ‘Sit & Smile’; the first half centimeter of the roll is glued together. Trying to peel that open with one wet hand (because all the bum-guns leak) without getting little pieces of toilet paper all over your one wet hand without swearing; 

no, trust me, you won’t...

Finally everything seems into place for the big event and you can start to prepare sitting down. Not so fast... you just went out for a bucket of rainwater and battled with the roll of toilet paper and you are all sweaty; your trousers stick to your legs and it takes a while before they surrender and you can finally sit down and get down to business.

Whoa, that was a relieve and now it’s time to get the gun in place (if there is water pressure) and spray what needs to be sprayed. Touching the bum-gun means getting a wet hand so after spraying you reach for the toilet-paper with your dry hand. How are you going to get some pages off you think, using your wet hand will definitely not work so you use the other hand and give the roll a good pull; toilet paper all over the floor... 

Using both hands you take the amount of paper that is supposed to do the job and half of the paper sticks to your wet hand. 

The other half is used to try to dry the wet bottom parts and your are done (you think).

You scrape the toilet paper of your hand and throw it together with the used toilet paper in the bin (and missed). 

Toilet paper is not supposed to be flushed because it will clog up the drainage and ‘she-who-knows-all’ will definitely point at you when that happens. That is to be avoided too if you don’t want to sleep on the couch that night...

But, this seems all manageable if you have time but this is Thailand where, when nature calls, you have to answer very, very quickly. This is also a country where a simple fart can bring you big, big problems.

Just envision yourself sitting in a relaxed chair with your cup of coffee and you feel a slight rumble in your guts, well that is the signal to get to the toilet as fast a possible.

No time to spare, don’t wait for the second ‘rumble’ or think ‘this will go away’, it won’t  and before you know it you are in big shit!

Then, keep your cool and follow the simple advice above; it will make you swear like you never did before!

In the evening while taking a shower you feel something odd down there and to your surprise you find bits and pieces of ‘SIT & SMILE’ on your sponge.

This is Thailand, just Shit & Smile.

Talk to you later,

TheMidnightRambler

Depending on where you live and if you have a closed system or not, before sitting down you need to make sure there is not something gonna creep up and bite you in the gonnads. And this incudes scorpions stinging you.

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