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Aviation themed jokes


Andrew Reeve
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Warren and his wife Joy went to the local Air Show every year, and every year Joy would say, "Warren, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Warren always replied, "I know Joy, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid"

One year Warren and Joy went to the Show, and Joy said, "Warren, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Warren replied, "Joy that helicopter is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I will take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I will not charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty quid"

Warren and Joy agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over, and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Warren and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Warren replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Joy fell out, but you know, fifty quid is fifty quid"

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During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, “US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on “Charlie” taxiway; you turned right on “Delta”. Stop right there. I know it’s difficult to tell the difference between C’s and D’s but get  it right.”

Continuing her lashing of the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, “God, you’ve screwed everything up; it’ll take forever to sort this out.  You stay right there and don’t move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??”

The humbled crew responded: “Yes Ma’am”.

Naturally, the “ground control” frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit was running high.

Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

 

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Airline Announcement: All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

> On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

> On landing the flight attendant said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you are going to leave anything please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

> "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

 

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Purportedly actual transmission from ATC ground control (GND) to aircraft (A/C) >

A/C: "LHR Ground, Speedbird 123 request taxi."

GND: "Speedbird 123, hold position, you'll be following a Virgin with a tight slot."

........................................................................................

Another >>

A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...

Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."

Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."

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  • 2 weeks later...

KLM - dutch royal airlines - is probably the least customer-friendly airline ever.  I have heard from friends and experienced myself several horror-stories of their customer-service.  Needless to say, that unless there are no alternatives, I tend to avoid them like the plague.

Actually wouldn't be surprised if this one happened for real >

 

 

KLM in-flight service.png

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13 minutes ago, BlueSphinx said:

KLM - dutch royal airlines - is probably the least customer-friendly airline ever.  I have heard from friends and experienced myself several horror-stories of their customer-service.  Needless to say, that unless there are no alternatives, I tend to avoid them like the plague.

Yes . . . cool tea! Interesting what you say re KLM. In my 9 years here, only made 3 trips back home; 2 by KLM, to Leeds-Bradford, which I rated really highly and the other - tried out of interest and cheap fare - Oman Air, to Manchester, which was also pretty good.

Isn't it interesting how opinions can so differ and occasionally change, were the coffee/tea experience to happen for real!

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Two pilots Paddy and Shamus have been desperately trying to land their plane from Dublin into a very foggy Airport for the past hour. With no chance of the weather improving they are told to go to another airport which is unfamiliar to them and almost as foggy.


Several attempts are made to land, but with no luck, running very low on fuel they make one more desperate approach, amazingly the weather improves just enough to make out what looks like the runway......."B'jesus will ya look how short it is" Paddy says to Shamus

Determined to land Paddy and Shamus make the final approach and touch down on the very edge and slam everything on in a desperate attempt to stop them running off the edge.
A valiant effort sees the pilots stop with inches to spare.....sweat dripping from their foreheads Shamus turns tp Paddy and says "Ya now for a minute der I taught we were going to die"

Paddy replies " To be sure, I've never seen a runway as short as this before, but will ya take a look at how Feckin wide it is!!"

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Air traffic control in New York get a panic call from an aircraft incoming from Ireland:

"Hello, hello, is there anybody there?"

"Please identify yourself," responds the ATC.

"I'm Paddy Murphy," comes the reply.

"Why are you using the radio, Mr. Murphy, where are the crew?" asks the ATC.

"They're all unconscious, everybody is unconscious except me" replies Paddy, "It must be the fish they all ate for dinner, I was asleep and missed it!"

"OK, Mr Murphy", replies the ATC "don't panic. I'm going to talk you in, tell you exactly what to do, you've probable seen it in the movies. All right?


"Surely to God" says Paddy, "I'm yer man."

"Right" says ATC, "the first thing I need to know is your height and position."

"I'm 5 foot 6" replies Paddy "and I must be upside down for the shite's running down me neck!"

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Posted (edited)

A very attractive, well dressed, obvious hi-so Thai lady, was sat in a Bangkok bar constantly looking across and smiling as I was having a quite beer in one corner. Eventually she casually walked across the room, sat down and introduced herself.

The following conversation ensued.

 

''Where are you from''

''England but I live in Bangkok now''

''Where do you live in Bangkok''

''I have a Condo''

''Do you rent it''

''No I bought it''

''Ooh, how much did it cost''

'' 3 million baht''

''You must be very rich then''

''Not really''

''I notice you drink, do you like a beer''

''Yes, socially''

''How many beers do you drink a day''

''About 4 a day''

''Oh, at 100 baht a beer that's 400 baht a day''

''I suppose so''

''How many years have you been drinking''

''About 40 years''

'' Oh, at 400 baht a day, that's 2,800 baht a week, 33,600 baht a year, or 1,344,000 over 40 years''

''I suppose so''

''You could have bought a small aircraft with that, if you didn't drink''

''Maybe, do you drink''

''No''

''Good, we can use your aircraft then''

Edited by Faz
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Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What, exactly, was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant. “It took us a while to find a new pilot.”

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Posted (edited)

A stewardess noticed a blonde sitting in First Class, with only an Economy ticket.

The stewardess politely asked the blonde lady if she wouldn't mind returning to Economy class.

''I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to New York and I'm not moving''

 

The stewardess alerted the co-pilot, who politely requested the blonde lady return to her seat in Economy'

''I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to New York and I'm not moving''

 

The co-pilot told the Captain of the situation.

Leave it to me replied the Captain, I'm married to a blonde, I know how to handle this.

The Captain approached the blonde and politely whispers a few words in her ear.

The blonde is startled, shocked, immediately grabs her personal belongings and scurries back to Economy class.

 

The stewardess and co-pilot are stunned. ''What did you say to her'' they asked?

''I told her First Class wasn't going to New York''.

 

Edited by Faz
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Not quite a joke, but an account of a man at the departure check-in desk at a US airport, trying to jump the queue and and push for an upgrade. He was told to wait his turn.

The arrogant passenger said loudly to the check-in girl: “Do you know who I am?”

The check-in girl, used to dealing with irate passengers said, “I’m sorry I don’t, but I will try to find out.”

She picked up the microphone and announced over the PA, “Would anyone who recognises this gentleman at the check-in desk please contact me, as he appears to have forgotten who he is.”
The red-faced man went and sat down.

 

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Airline jokes, ha, about 20 years ago i was flying from Shetland to Aberdeen on a BA A.T.P. turbo prop plane.

My seat was next to the wing, flying over the north sea, i looked out the window, i could see fluid streaming out of the engine cowling.

So i called the trolley dolly, pointed it out to her, silly woman said.... No problem sir thats the overflow, then ran like hell to the cockpit.

Next thing pilot on the tannoy, ladies and gents we are having a slight technical problem we will be returning to Sumburgh, yes that was no joke, i was sh###ing myself until we got back on the ground.

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